when the rains over there will be rainbow

This suddenly in my mind, when the rains over there will be rainbow. After the past, there will be new beginning, everything ends and everything starts, past then present. I guess this is the way of life.

Suddenly some part of my past pop up in my mind

I'm on the sofa, thinking of my future, suddenly some part of my past pop up in my mind, it's blur coz I'm not sure what happen to me, I just can't remember, I can't remember anything good or happy when I was young. Anyway, the sudden past pop, it's already in my head so I though, why not just blog it down and serve as a reminder or something, but the truth is, I felt chill in my bone, uneasy and kindda lost every time I try thinking of my past, coz I don't actually remember much and what does that means? Everyone can remember but why can't I? Anyway, I'm gonna write some that I remember.

I was very young, a kid and my family is poor. Everyday I woke up, my parents would be out working from morning till night, driving our their vespa very early in the morning when the sky still dark. Me and my elder brother alone at home, I can't remember if my grammar are with us or not, maybe I was so scared that I lost some of my memory I guess. But I remember, me and my elder brother alone in our dark house. Everyday, I would stand at our metal door, holding on the cold metal, looking outside and wish my mom & dad would be back soon.

Food, I remember, I would scoop out white rice and mixed with soya sauce and eat, I guess that's the best food ever at that time. I'm always afraid, I guess my elder brother afraid too, but he's a boy so he don't show, he don't say. I'm always scared and always cry. My dad if he's with us and I cry, he will hit my elder brother, hit his leg, hand and butt. I'm not sure why my dad hit my brother, so I cry louder. I'm too young to understand why my dad hit my brother, but now that I'm an adult, I guess maybe at that time my dad though that my elder brother makes me cry or bullied me, so he hit him, but it's not like that. I cry not because of my elder brother, I cry because I'm timid, because I'm scare, because I'm a crybaby. I wish that I can explain to my elder brother and say sorry to him now, but we are already adult and he hate me 98% and I know no matter what I say to him now, he won't believe and would think I'm a hypocrite and he's 95% selfish. So I guess, I can't do anything but let nature take it's own course, if God gave me the chance, I would apologize to him, and hopefully he would understand.

Please understand and don't blame my dad for hitting my brother, coz at that century or whatever you call it "time", everyone hit their child to teach them but my dad never use violent on us, he just not really good at express or teach, my dad would hit my brother if his school result not good and other reason but he never once show any violent to us and always works hard with my mom to make all of our life better. I'm grateful for that, grateful because my dad and mom work hard to provide us...

I remember once when I'm older, in primary school, I was at a neighbor house doing tuitions work, but I can't finish it and was very nervous because if I can't finish, the tuitions teacher will hit my hand with cane, and it really hurt. I write and write, trying to finish it and my mom show up, she say, the teacher's here, go to her now. I'm afraid and I cry, don't wanna follow, my mom grab my hand hard and pull me out, I struggle and fighting for my life I guess, coz I'm so afraid that my tuition teacher will hit my hand, suddenly I grab a slipper and throw at my mom, with one hand grabbing me, her another hand gave me a slap, blood flow down, my tooth broke, I'm crying and blood everywhere. She pull me, to sit beside the tuition teacher, I forgot if she ever gave me any hanky, but the tuition carry on and I just sat there stunt, tears in my eyes, blood in my mouth, tooth on my hand and the tuition teacher carry on but that day she din't hit me, so I sat there and listen tho I don't remember what she had taught, but this incident, printed deep in my heart..

I always wish I had a dog, to play with me and love me. So when one day, I found a dog chain, I pretended at the end of the chain that's a very cute puppy. I go everywhere with that dog chain, I guess my mom scolded me sometimes and think I'm crazy. I love that chain, but one day, I was naughty, I don't remember what I did, maybe I when out till very late or something, that I have done or said. I .. I don't remember.. just that I did something wrong, I guess, really wrong and she grab my chain. One part of the chain she chain it to my leg and another part she chain it to the gate outside of our house, many neighbor walk by, I guess they din saw it coz I try my very best to hide it, and thank god it's not hot and at the end of the day she let me go.. I don't remember my feeling back then, but it was hard, maybe because I'm afraid the neighbor will saw my pathetic look, or something, I can't remember, but that's another print in my heart.

I'm not an obedient child back then, I guess my parents must have some hard times teaching, but I'm not bad too, coz I don't do bad things.

I guess I don't blame my parents now, because I guess at that time that's how they teach children but secretly, I think my elder brother do blame my parents, and I guess he never get over it and never say's it out but I do hope one day my elder brother will understand that my parents actually love him the most and provide the best they can for him, I hope he will understand and appreciates it.
I guess my elder brother do have some print in his heart, just that I'm not him so I don't know what he's been through, coz I always saw the better side. Like, he got a new computer, dad and mom send him to expensive tuitions, he study overseas, he gets what ever he wants, always gets new computer, but I'm sure he has his prints in his hearts, coz my parents are kindda not good at teaching kids and they are very strict ..
My younger brother is the lucky one, he only got beaten once by my dad, that is coz he skip school to play online games and was caught somehow so that was about it.
I have a great dad, I know his great, he even iron and wash my younger brother school uniforms, everyday from he's in primary one until he's in secondary school, that my dad, never did for me, but he got me a bicycle when I was young and I'm so touch, coz no matter how I beg my mom for it, she never agree and never let me have bicycle, so I saw another side of my dad, the very loving good side, I hope my younger brother can feel it.

Everyone knows that my parents love my elder brother the most, even my aunty can tell so is my younger brother, all all friends of my parents but my elder brother can't see it, maybe coz of some prints of the past, maybe because he has everything now. He's so caught up with controlling everything and thinks that he know best for the family, that he ends up hurting the family but he still thinks he right and my parents just go along with it, but what to do, I can't do anything because I'm nothing in this family, "invisible I call it".

Sad? sometimes, but I'm alright, coz I need to focus on the positive things to carry on my life, I want a better life for me and everyone I love and therefore I must carry on and never look back... I still cry sometimes, because I'm human but I'm alright, because I never look back now.. because no point looking back... I'm learning what is life now, I hope I'm not too late, tho it's hard but I'm trying, so if you think your life is hard & sad, look at others, and try working it out in the positive way, coz that's the only way and the right way and no other way, you must first let go of the past and find your way through the positive path.. then maybe you will find what everyone called happiness, I'm looking for it but I hope you have found it....

life is hard but wow, I'm still alive and kicking

No one tell any one, especially their children that life is hard, I guess. My parents certainly do not, they are too busy with work and have no time for family and friends. Me & my brothers don't even know who our cousin is, if they don't live near us. I don't know why they are so busy until they don't even know what's going on and don't seems to have time to care but now that I have all grow up, and life is hard, I started to realize something. Maybe just maybe, I though, my parents life is so hard coz they are so poor then, that they turn to earning money to make life easier and in that process of earning money, coz life's hard for them and they have to feed kids at the same time, so they just melt in the system like everybody else. Working hard and harder for money and nothing else matter and day by day pass, they lost the the way to communicate with their children, and everyone else and there, the children grow up without guidance, and as the child grow, they realize that they are missing life, they don't know what is life and don't know what to live for and deep down in their hearts they blame the parents for not understanding, for not guiding, for who knows what...

Yes, I'm guilty, coz when I'm in my teens, I blame my mom. Blame her for not understanding me, blame her for not letting me go college coz she can afford at that time, blame her for looking down on girls, blame her for not educating me, blame her coz she always provide the best for my brothers but not me. She always think, that I'm useless I guess, and that made me feel insecure and useless all my life, but what to blame any more. I guess, no point blaming anyone coz my life is already so hard, coz I'm not making enough money so I can't really care what negative thinking she has about me, but to concentrate on finding my own life. 

I always try to understand why my mom thinks and do the things she's doing to me, that is making my life miserable. I'm already sad enough, pathetic enough but she keep on splashing salt to all my wound now and then. Anyway, maybe coz we are Chinese? coz Chinese always favor the boys? and make the boy into pampered spoiled brats, and let the girl rot. But hey, not sure why, I guess I love her, yes, I love my mom and I guess I'm willing to let go of what ever hurtful words she say to me. Maybe I owe her and she owe me in our previous life, so we are paying each other dept, or whatever you may called that, but I'm pretty sure, that's her attitude, and nothing can change that, so just let it be, hopefully one day, when I lucky enough to become someone successful, then she can stop mind hurting me, look me in the eye and be a little proud that she has a daughter like me, that I can only hope & pray for now. And yes, she's my real mother, I look at my birth certificate and oh, ok.. she's the real deal and I have to live with it " that was when I'm still a teenage", I though I'm not hers so I look for it. Now, I always joke about it to my friends, of how I look high and low for the birth cert coz I'm so sure I'm not hers XD hahaha feel so stupid back then ..

So much had happen, in my life recently. I now can clearly look at human and what they are capable of doing, things happen around me, I look at people's behaver differently, some I think I understand, some I don't, some I think how could they, what's wrong with them, some are just so twisted, lier lier pants on fire.... if you are a little lamp in this world, like me, do be careful coz many wolfs out there are trying to eat us up T_T but don't be discourage, there will always be good people, just that, are we lucky enough to meet them in our life? So never do really bad things, coz I guess KARMA will come and bite you one day... and then you'll know in your life why you are not that lucky..

Anyway,

Recently I call my mom, coz been sometime I din call her up to talk, we were talking then suddenly she change topic, she talk to me in  bahasa melayu, she say "you siapa, salah telefon" (who are you, wrong number) and she hang up, I'm not surprise but I was deeply hurt, "again". You see, if she suddenly change, it will always be my elder brother is somewhere near. She's so psycho when it comes to my elder brother. I will never in my life understand why her love for her elder son turn into being afraid of him, and I don't think my elder brother hate me that 100%, ok ok, maybe he hate me 98% but I guess not 100% and not until that she can't even talk to me when he's around, bull shit.. but my mom as always, makes me feel there's something wrong with me, and everything is my fault and so. It's really hard for me as a kid, as a teen, as a person, but, I thank God, coz I can still be consider lucky compared to others. I'm learning, and trying to understand why people do the things they do and slowly I'm letting go of the pass and I pray and hope God would give me more chance to make a difference in my life & others and of coz, hopefully God will let me win some lottery, hahaha 

but really, I need the money haha, to create my dream :D hahahaha,

Ok, serious, my mind is my power, so is yours, don't dig into the pass and blame, blame, blame, coz no matter what you do, the pass can't be change and you still have to live with that crap. Look ahead, and I guess you will be happier.

So, about the my mind is my power, so is yours thing. With mind power, who knows, you may turn that into something really wonderful and your dream may come true. I have many idea and dream, and you may say, well, that's worth nothing. Ya, I know, I don't have money now, but don't under estimate the power of mind and dream for everything start simple, everything start with an idea, a dream, unless you are someone who don't believe, that I don't blame you, coz believing is not something easy, things are easier said then done, bad things always happen to good people, but whatever happens, if we stop believing, I guess that's the end of the road, and you will never be back on your feet again, but whatever that is, always believe and try to understand things in a good way, I guess eventually things will have it's own course.

One thing I always stress out is that always remember money is very important, those who say money is not everything, mmm, try saying that to a poor guy, or someone in hospital that have no money to pay, but never be greedy coz that's the part that God saw in you and make karma bite you in your ass somehow. Money is important and so is life and everything else in the package of life, so try to understand, what is it that you want, why can't you let go or how things works and maybe just maybe, you will find your way to the lights...

Anyway, money, is how you look at it, it's how you find your balance with it, don't let money control you, don't let greed control you, let you control money, I guess that's it, I'm not sure yet how, I'm still learning about my mind and money and many things, and I still am not a millionaire, so I don't have money to do any experiment yet, hahaha, if I ever become one hahaha then maybe I'll write something about it, haha

After so much that I write here, now I really wanted to write books, but erm, with my English and my spelling, oh gosh, I guess no one will buy or will ever understand what I'm trying to express T_T" and writing this alone took me 4 hours coz I need to read it again and again to correct my spelling T_T and grammar, if I know what that is... >.<"

Anyway, life is hard with crazy & psycho things happening in my life, with family problems, tho they are nothing compare to the wolfs out there, you know what I mean...

but wow, I'm still alive and kicking and I'm not crazy so I guess, that's good rite :) 

till next time, if I'm still alive & kicking XD