No one tell any one, especially their children that life is hard, I guess. My parents certainly do not, they are too busy with work and have no time for family and friends. Me & my brothers don't even know who our cousin is, if they don't live near us. I don't know why they are so busy until they don't even know what's going on and don't seems to have time to care but now that I have all grow up, and life is hard, I started to realize something. Maybe just maybe, I though, my parents life is so hard coz they are so poor then, that they turn to earning money to make life easier and in that process of earning money, coz life's hard for them and they have to feed kids at the same time, so they just melt in the system like everybody else. Working hard and harder for money and nothing else matter and day by day pass, they lost the the way to communicate with their children, and everyone else and there, the children grow up without guidance, and as the child grow, they realize that they are missing life, they don't know what is life and don't know what to live for and deep down in their hearts they blame the parents for not understanding, for not guiding, for who knows what...
Yes, I'm guilty, coz when I'm in my teens, I blame my mom. Blame her for not understanding me, blame her for not letting me go college coz she can afford at that time, blame her for looking down on girls, blame her for not educating me, blame her coz she always provide the best for my brothers but not me. She always think, that I'm useless I guess, and that made me feel insecure and useless all my life, but what to blame any more. I guess, no point blaming anyone coz my life is already so hard, coz I'm not making enough money so I can't really care what negative thinking she has about me, but to concentrate on finding my own life.
I always try to understand why my mom thinks and do the things she's doing to me, that is making my life miserable. I'm already sad enough, pathetic enough but she keep on splashing salt to all my wound now and then. Anyway, maybe coz we are Chinese? coz Chinese always favor the boys? and make the boy into pampered spoiled brats, and let the girl rot. But hey, not sure why, I guess I love her, yes, I love my mom and I guess I'm willing to let go of what ever hurtful words she say to me. Maybe I owe her and she owe me in our previous life, so we are paying each other dept, or whatever you may called that, but I'm pretty sure, that's her attitude, and nothing can change that, so just let it be, hopefully one day, when I lucky enough to become someone successful, then she can stop mind hurting me, look me in the eye and be a little proud that she has a daughter like me, that I can only hope & pray for now. And yes, she's my real mother, I look at my birth certificate and oh, ok.. she's the real deal and I have to live with it " that was when I'm still a teenage", I though I'm not hers so I look for it. Now, I always joke about it to my friends, of how I look high and low for the birth cert coz I'm so sure I'm not hers XD hahaha feel so stupid back then ..
So much had happen, in my life recently. I now can clearly look at human and what they are capable of doing, things happen around me, I look at people's behaver differently, some I think I understand, some I don't, some I think how could they, what's wrong with them, some are just so twisted, lier lier pants on fire.... if you are a little lamp in this world, like me, do be careful coz many wolfs out there are trying to eat us up T_T but don't be discourage, there will always be good people, just that, are we lucky enough to meet them in our life? So never do really bad things, coz I guess KARMA will come and bite you one day... and then you'll know in your life why you are not that lucky..
Anyway,
Recently I call my mom, coz been sometime I din call her up to talk, we were talking then suddenly she change topic, she talk to me in bahasa melayu, she say "you siapa, salah telefon" (who are you, wrong number) and she hang up, I'm not surprise but I was deeply hurt, "again". You see, if she suddenly change, it will always be my elder brother is somewhere near. She's so psycho when it comes to my elder brother. I will never in my life understand why her love for her elder son turn into being afraid of him, and I don't think my elder brother hate me that 100%, ok ok, maybe he hate me 98% but I guess not 100% and not until that she can't even talk to me when he's around, bull shit.. but my mom as always, makes me feel there's something wrong with me, and everything is my fault and so. It's really hard for me as a kid, as a teen, as a person, but, I thank God, coz I can still be consider lucky compared to others. I'm learning, and trying to understand why people do the things they do and slowly I'm letting go of the pass and I pray and hope God would give me more chance to make a difference in my life & others and of coz, hopefully God will let me win some lottery, hahaha
but really, I need the money haha, to create my dream :D hahahaha,
Ok, serious, my mind is my power, so is yours, don't dig into the pass and blame, blame, blame, coz no matter what you do, the pass can't be change and you still have to live with that crap. Look ahead, and I guess you will be happier.
So, about the my mind is my power, so is yours thing. With mind power, who knows, you may turn that into something really wonderful and your dream may come true. I have many idea and dream, and you may say, well, that's worth nothing. Ya, I know, I don't have money now, but don't under estimate the power of mind and dream for everything start simple, everything start with an idea, a dream, unless you are someone who don't believe, that I don't blame you, coz believing is not something easy, things are easier said then done, bad things always happen to good people, but whatever happens, if we stop believing, I guess that's the end of the road, and you will never be back on your feet again, but whatever that is, always believe and try to understand things in a good way, I guess eventually things will have it's own course.
One thing I always stress out is that always remember money is very important, those who say money is not everything, mmm, try saying that to a poor guy, or someone in hospital that have no money to pay, but never be greedy coz that's the part that God saw in you and make karma bite you in your ass somehow. Money is important and so is life and everything else in the package of life, so try to understand, what is it that you want, why can't you let go or how things works and maybe just maybe, you will find your way to the lights...
Anyway, money, is how you look at it, it's how you find your balance with it, don't let money control you, don't let greed control you, let you control money, I guess that's it, I'm not sure yet how, I'm still learning about my mind and money and many things, and I still am not a millionaire, so I don't have money to do any experiment yet, hahaha, if I ever become one hahaha then maybe I'll write something about it, haha
After so much that I write here, now I really wanted to write books, but erm, with my English and my spelling, oh gosh, I guess no one will buy or will ever understand what I'm trying to express T_T" and writing this alone took me 4 hours coz I need to read it again and again to correct my spelling T_T and grammar, if I know what that is... >.<"
Anyway, life is hard with crazy & psycho things happening in my life, with family problems, tho they are nothing compare to the wolfs out there, you know what I mean...
but wow, I'm still alive and kicking and I'm not crazy so I guess, that's good rite :)
till next time, if I'm still alive & kicking XD
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